Last Train Home
by BlazingLegend
Summary: Sometimes people don't search for things, be it love, company, or happiness; sometimes life's just like that. The story of six lives, connecting in different ways, but always meant to co-exist. /starts from pilot and goes au.
1. rewind to a new beggining

Okay, people, hi. I was supposed to be a good little author and not post this for like another year or something, but I couldn't handle the waiting anymore. This is **not **the 'revised' version because that version is stuck on my old laptop which broke down a couple weeks ago before I could back it up. (Yes, I cried.)

So, this thing is like my _child, _and I've been working on it ever since that (deep breaths, don't swear) finale. Moving on (because I just can't cry anymore) this is obviously AU and will take different direction to show canon. Many of the major events will still happen, but ages and times and things will be messed around with. The updates will be sporadic, but always on **Mondays. **Have fun reading_.  
><em>

_I promise you a legendary ride._

* * *

><p>Robin Scherbatsky is a confident and sophisticated woman; not to mention beautiful. And just one look at her can not only tell you every single one of these things, but that she knows them as well.<p>

So when she presses up against the bar counter with a drink in hand and watches _him _slap his hands against his friend's chest, she can tell the guy's about to amble his way over to her.

And sure enough. A flitting touch against her thigh. A dark voice breathing against her face. "Hey there."

She angles her body away from him (or at least enough so that his hands can't get anywhere else important) and pushes her tumbler away from her, brings it back again. "Hey there, sailor."

If he's surprised by her compliance, his voice betrays nothing, nothing at all, and if she could see his face right now she would say it's just as secretive. "I've been looking for you, you know."

She cringes at his words, at how blunted over his voice is and how much she feels like laughing in his face. "Tell me about that—" she finally swivels, but dodges looking at his face (wisps, flickers, peripheral snapshots of blonde thatch, oceans in the form of irises,) and then gestures too dramatically to the jukebox on the opposite side of the room. "—but over there, would you?"

"I think I'm in love with you, baby." And he doesn't get that she isn't listening, or maybe he's just too involved in her chest to notice (because of course she knows he's been gawking at her boobs for as long as she's been giving him anything to gawk at.)

"Oh, too bad I'm not a nicknames type of girl," she says, glad of just how much blunt sarcasm she's able to muster up (not that it's all that hard.) "I could've fallen in love with a charmer like you."

"Just hear me out." He lifts a hand to rest against her neck, eyes flittering with whispers of things that are far too easy to decode. She dodges him before he can even get close to touching her again.

"Look-y here, dumbass," she says, pressing both hands firmly against his suit-clad chest. (And seriously, what the hell? Who does he think he is, Clark Kent?) "I'm not an idiot, and this is obviously one of your _much _weaker plays; why don't you grant yourself some dignity and stay the hell away, alright?"

His eyes just narrow. "The name's—"

"Ah, a critical mistake. I don't give a damn." She nods to the bartender and starts swirling around a freshened drink, taking slow sips. "As far as I'm concerned, your name is 'dumbass.'"

"Too bad I'm not a nicknames type of guy."

She snorts. "Cute."

"I can make you glad you came tonight, baby." He says, leaning over and skimming one finger over her chin. She tries to shudder too hard and presses the small of her back into the bar, trying to recover some of the space he's encroached upon.

"Jesus Christ, you don't give up, do you?" she hisses at him, raking her fingernails against her glass, feeling irritated breath rise up from the bottom of her throat.

"Nope." He shuffles closer again, ruining her attempts, and she mutters hot things underneath her breath. "You might say I'm relentless. In a lot of different areas." He eyes her up and down, his tongue folding over his lips, and she feels something thick and akin to disgust start to coat the back of her tongue.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't say that," she says. "Look, this obviously isn't happening. Give it up."

He grins. It's a crooked smile, and she takes time deciding whether or not she likes it. The thing she comes to is _no. _"My thoughts exactly."

"Jesus." She mutters, swivelling again and offering him a bitter smile. "Look, this isn't going to happen. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a dumped friend to pretend to be sympathetic for."

* * *

><p>"I think this is a new page for the history books."<p>

Ted Mosby is slumping over the booth table, playing with a napkin and tearing it at the edges. He sighs. "And what's that, Lily?"

Lily is grinning more than smiling; it's something greedy and delighted, just a breeze away from being a snigger. "That woman—" she nods over to the other side of the room, her eyes winking against the artificial light that shines down from the ceiling. "—that chick, over there? She's resisting our Barney's advances."

At this Ted's head snaps up. "What?" he says and looks where she's looking. Then he sighs. "Oh, yeah, yeah."

Lily turns back to him. Her eyebrows rise. "What's 'oh yeah?'"

He presses his cheek against the table and mumbles, "I was supposed to go over and talk to her, you know? But then Barney goes and sweeps her out from under me. It just sucks."

Lily snorts and rotates her beer before taking a huge gulp. "Why does it matter, anyway? There's plenty of girls out there. Not to be a bitch, sweetie, but you're kind of being a bitch." She pauses. "A whiny one."

"I resent that."

"'Course you do. So what's the problem?"

Ted runs his hands through his hair and sits up again. "Well, it's just, you know how I've been looking for—"

"Your 'The One'?" she says. She snorts. "Oh yeah. We all know about that."

"Shut up," he says, and he frowns at her. "Stop making fun of me."

"Oh, honey, I'm not making fun of you," she pauses, and her face screws up. "I'm just describing certain events in a slightly humoured tone."

"That's making fun."

"Oh my _God, _just shut up and tell me what the problem is."

"That raises a physical impossibility if I actually have shut up—" he starts to say, but she scowls and throws a balled up napkin at him.

She smiles as he dodges. "Now talk, smartass."

"Yeah, well, it's just—" he pauses, shrugging, "Well, I've been looking for my 'The One' for, like, a year now. And now I see a woman I might have a shot with—"

Lily snorts and laughs before he can go any further; he glares at her. "Oh, sweetheart, you think you might have a _shot _with her?" she says, shaking her head like he's a misguided youth, "Please. She's like a nine. You're like a... number considerably less than that."

He squints at her in confusion. "I'm, like, an eight and a half. We all had a vote, remember?"

"I remember voting that you were a six."

"No. We all universally agreed that I'm an eight and a half."

She shakes her head and chuckles. "Oh, _honey. _You're in such denial," she says, and he starts to protest, so she hurries on, "But sure, you think whatever you want."

He narrows his eyes. "Why are you so sarcasm-y tonight? I don't like it."

She rolls her eyes and takes another gulp of her drink. "I'm not _sarcasm-y_. And you're supposed to be the word professor. Since when is that a word?"

"I'm the _grammar _professor, Lily. I can make up whatever words I like."

"Yeah. Right," she says, "And I guess, well, I guess it just sucks that Marshall's out of town."

"He's been out of town for like three weeks now."

"I know. It sucks." She waves a hand at the woman who continues to dissuade Barney, "And you'll have to get in line, Ted. Another week and _I'm _gonna hit that."

Ted grins. "Oh, Lily, we all know about that thinly veiled bisexualism of yours. Don't you pretend anything, now."

She just glares and flips him off.

Ted only has time to snort before Barney crashes down next to him. "What are we doing?" he asks, grabbing a napkin.

"We're talking about Lily's bisexualism—whoa, hold it. Are you wiping a drink off your face?"

He scowls. "Yeah, yeah," he says, "Now onto Lily's bisexualism!"

Lily scoffs and pushes her beer aside. "No way you're getting off that easy, Barney. Did that girl throw that at you?"

He nods; continues wiping.

Ted starts to press his face against the table again. "Oh man, now I have no chance. Not now you've _Barneyed _all over her."

"Correction. I've _awesomed _all over her."

Lily leans forward on her elbows. "So, Barney, _tell _me about this girl."

He shrugs. "She's not that great. She just called me 'dumbass' and threw her drink in my face." His tongue rolls over his lips, like he's savouring a pleasant aftertaste. "Scotch. That is a redeeming factor."

Ted takes this opportunity to whine some more. "Oh _man. _Haven't I always said that my dream woman likes scotch? Lil, haven't I always said that?"

"Yeah yeah yeah," she says, waving him off. "So Barney, she insulted you and doused you with alcohol?"

He shrugs, and grumbles, "I s'pose."

"Oh my God, I love this woman!"

They blink at her for a beat; and so do bar patrons, but only the (really) new ones, because regulars became used to these sudden and frequent outbursts from their group a long time ago.

Then Barney just grins, "You really are bisexual. Hot."

She pulls a face and flips him off, too. He grins some more.

Ted punches Barney, lightly, in the shoulder. "I saw her first."

Barney screws up his face and shakes his head, and apparently done with the napkin, he balls it up and throws it into the crowd. "I definitely saw her first, bro. No doubt about it."

Ted rolls his eyes. "_No, _because you remember me saying 'Hey, Barney, see that girl?'"

"Nope."

"What? No?! Lily, back me up here!" Ted cries.

Lily shakes her head. "Hey. Hey now, Ted. I deal with bitching toddlers all day. I don't deserve this kind of crap after hours."

"Thank you, so much for the help."

"Just glad to be of service."

Barney breaks in. "Well, okay, even _if _you had seen that girl first—which you didn't, by the way—then how am I supposed to know you were talking about her?"

"Because I _gestured. _And you commented."

Barney looks around, then shrugs. "Okay, fine, maybe you saw her first. But I called dibs. It doesn't matter once someone calls dibs."

"We're not in school anymore. Dibs are useless."

"Says the guy definitively _not _talking to the hot chick."

Lily snorts at them. "I seriously want to meet this woman. She sounds _legen_—wait for it—"

"Oh hell no!" Barney rockets up, stabbing an accusing finger at Lily, "You are not using my own _awesomeness _against me."

Lily just smirks. "—_dary._"

Barney starts to wail.

"Jesus, sit down," Lily says after about a minute, forcing him back into his seat. "It's not like it's patented or anything."

"Oh my God," Barney says suddenly. "I have just had the most outrageously awesome idea."

Lily rolls her eyes. "And what's that, Barney?"

"To—wait for it; see how it's done, Lily? Wait for it—_patent _my catchphrases!"

Lily just mutters, "Jesus," and brings her beer back over.

* * *

><p>"Oh. My. God."<p>

It's another night at MacLaren's, another round of drinks, and Lily is gawking up at the television screen bolted to the wall.

Barney downs the last of his drink, wipes his mouth, and says, "What's 'oh my God?'"

Lily stabs a finger at the screen. "It's _her._"

Ted and Barney both mutter, "Who...?" at the same time, then turn around and say "_Oh._"

Lily clucks her tongue in appreciation. "So she's a reporter. Interesting."

Barney starts snapping his fingers. "Oh, yeah! I've seen her before—she does those stupid gooey fluff pieces at the end of the news." He pauses. "Wow. She looks different."

Lily raises an eyebrow. "Like how?"

"Like... _less _hot."

Lily shrugs in his direction. "She dresses for work, for God's sake. Not for your delusional pornographic little fantasies."

Barney gapes at her. "Hey, hey," he says, placing a hand on his chest, looking at her in faux hurt, "_Feelings._"

Lily snorts. She leans forward, still squinting up at the screen. "And 'monkey playing ukulele'? I dunno, I think that's pretty stupendous..."

Ted wails. Actually wails. "Great, just great. What's the bet that I never see that woman again in my life? I'm never going to find the One! _Never._" he pauses, and glares at Barney. "This is all your fault, you rat bastard."

Barney laughs. "Ted, just how many drinks have you had?"

"Like... not a lot?" he pauses, and starts throwing fries at the others. "Shut up. I'm depressed."

* * *

><p>Lily drags Barney and Ted into a coffee shop.<p>

"How did you get us both to come?" Barney complains, shoving Ted around for emphasis.

Lily looks around, her eyes narrowing, and says, "Because I'm a way better con-artist than you take me for, Barney. That and Ted's still hungover." She gestures to Ted, who's pushing Barney away from him and grumbling while he pushes his extra-dark sunglasses back up his nose.

"Shut up," he says. "I was depressed."

"Why are we here, though? You don't drink coffee here. It's not even anywhere near your apartment." Barney points out.

Lily orders three coffees, and then ushers them over to seats. Barney scrunches his nose and says, "Hey Lil, that's alright. I've already had coffee. Imported stuff, none of this... sludge." He brushes his hands off on his suit as if mere talk of such unworthy coffee has left him dirty.

Then he stops talking, too preoccupied with the pretty cashier to care what Lily has to say anymore.

She snorts. "Not for you," she says. She flaps in Ted's direction, who looks like he's already passed out in his chair. "They're for Drinky McGee over there."

"Shut up," Ted moans. "I was _depressed._"

"Of course, sweetie."

Having noticed the chick was offering him glares that gave him no place to go, Barney turns back, "But seriously, why are we here? Are you finally going through your psychotic break? Oh, please tell me you're finally going through you're psychotic break!" he says.

Lily winks at him. "Oh, Barney, trust me. If I was anywhere near _psychotic _then I'd have an excuse to castrate you in your sleep."

"Jesus," Barney mutters, obviously horrified at the very thought, "That wouldn't be a very good excuse."

"It'd do."

Lily shoves two coffees at Ted (who doesn't respond) and starts sipping from hers. "And we're here because I may have done a little stalking last night,"

Barney bangs a hand against Ted's shoulder. He moans. "See? Psychotic break."

"Trust me, Barney. You do _not_ want me going through my psychotic break."

She stops, and grins at him. He shudders.

She's still smiling as she shakes her head, "No, I just wanted to know a little more about her."

"About who?"

"That girl you met at the bar."

"So why are we here?"

Lily shrugs. "This is where she drinks her coffee."

"Oh my God. Should I grab Ted and get outta here before you pull a gun?"

Ted swats at him. "No. No," he says, "No pulling, no pushing, and for the love of God no _grabbing._"

Lily ignores Ted and glares flames at Barney. "Shut up."

Barney shakes his head, but he's smiling. "So how is Miss Lily and all her mighty lesbianess—"

"Seriously. I will pour this on you."

"—going to find this girl?"

Lily grins at him, tilting her head. "Watch and learn, Barney. Watch and learn."

She gets up suddenly, and swerves just in time to crash into somebody.

"Oh my God, I am so sorry—"

"Jesus _Christ, _that's hot—"

Lily bites down hard on her lip, but her eyes are twinkling. "I'm so sorry. Can I help?"

The woman shakes her head. "Uh, _no, _no. I'm just on my way back to work, I have a change of clothes there."

Lily nods. "Good, good. _Say, _Robin, where exactly do you work?"

Robin takes a step back, a dark eyebrow arching in question. "How do you know my name?"

"You... said it?"

Barney clucks his tongue, stands up, and walks over to the pair of women. "I can't watch this spectacle any longer," he says. He gestures to Lily, "This is Lily, and she's been stalking you."

Lily's eyes go big and she hisses, "_Goddammit, _you—"

Robin laughs. "Ah. I see," she says. "Hello again, dumbass."

Barney winks at her. "Hey there, baby."

Ted groans something from where he's sitting, "Lily, you're lucky she's like the only person who wouldn't call the cops on you..."

Robin peers past Lily and at Ted, eyes latching onto the man in the seat. "And who are you?"

Ted stands up, pouts, and extends his hand. "A hungover Ted Mosby. These are my freaks of friends."

She grins, shaking his hand. "Hey, hungover Ted Mosby." She says. "And I don't mind, really. I think your friends are..."

She trails off, and they all look at her expectantly. She laughs. "Well, I think they're all _weird, _which is just a polite way of saying crazy, but in a nice way. At least they're not the pervy kind." She pauses and gestures to Barney. "Except for him."

Ted smiles and cocks his head. "Oh, but you don't know Lily yet. Don't worry, stick around, and you'll learn."

Robin grins at him. "I just might do that."

She starts to pat down her dress, and sighs. "Well, I'm soaking over here, so I'd better leave." She leans past Barney and Lily and presses something into Ted's hand. "That's my card. Give me a call sometime. I'd quite like to know the extent of your friends' perviness."

She walks over to the door, and turns back just before opening it. "Goodbye, then," she says. She eyes Barney. "And just _bye _for you, dumbass."

Barney scowls. "The name's—"

She taps a finger to her nose and laughs. "Still don't want to know," she says, and exits, the bell chime tinkling after her.

Lily grins at the other two and throws her arms over their shoulders. "Well, my boys, I think we're going to _like _her."

* * *

><p>My ego isn't too big yet, so if there are things that majorly suck about this, feel free to tell me. (Still be nice. It's still my baby and you don't go around mega-ragging on people's babies, right?)<p> 


	2. you thought you could get away

Look, Marshall actually has a cameo this chapter! (Why is nobody cheering?)

* * *

><p>Wind whistles through abundant trees, and leaves skitter across the pavement. The sky is a pale, watery blue, no clouds of which to speak of. There's a brushstroke of white hot sun hanging above people milling off to work or simply enjoying this kind of day.<p>

... too bad it's just not in New York.

Lily Aldrin squeals as she shakes off her umbrella in the refuge of MacLaren's. She dances around for a little bit, making sure she's (mostly) dry before walking over to her friends at their booth.

"Hey, guys," she says, running her hands through her damp twirls of hair. Her eyes land upon someone new rolling a beer bottle around on the table. "Oh look, it's Robin!"

Barney looks up at her and grins. "Yeah, we all kind of noticed."

Lily swallows and shakes her head. "I mean—hey, Robin. I'm _so _casual right now."

Robin just laughs and tips her bottle in greeting. "Hey."

Lily scrunches her nose and shoves Barney over so she can sit down. "So, what are we all doing holed up in here?"

Ted cocks his head and stares at her. "You just brought an umbrella in here. Robin's hair is soaking wet—"

Lily interjects. "Which implies that you and Barney have been here for over an hour. You do get how sad that is, right?"

("Like you didn't hang around here till last call on Saturday." Barney mutters.)

Ted glares at her and Robin holds up a finger. "_I _get how sad it is, don't worry." She says, then smiles at Ted. She doesn't even look at Barney, who huffs and crosses his arms, indignant.

Ted shakes his head. "Anyway, as I was saying, it's raining."

"Just a really boring ass way of saying it, right?" Lily says, raising her eyebrows in contest. "That's, like, Ted's way of life."

Barney yelps out, "Someone gets it! Thank you, Lil!"

(Ted glares.)

She laughs. "I meant Robin anyways. What is _Robin _doing holed up in here?"

Robin shrugs. "Ted called, and I happened to be off work. But seriously, universe—" she turns her head to the roof of the bar and yells, "—why the hell is my day off the same day it's raining? That's messed up."

Lily snorts. "So you talk to the universe? You and Ted should bond."

Robin raises her eyebrows in surprise and glances sideways at Ted. "You talk to the universe?"

"_Lily._" Ted hisses.

"Yes, sweetie?"

Barney laughs. "Why yes, he does talk to the universe. Signs and crap like that. Oh! Oh!" he says, and looks at Lily. "_Please _can I tell her?"

He doesn't wait for Lily to respond. "Ted's looking for his the One. How lame is that?"

Robin narrows her eyes at Barney. "Well. It occurs to me the only reason I'd say it isn't lame is because I don't want to agree with you on anything ever, _but _I guess it's not good form to lie to a bunch of people I just met." She says. She shrugs. "Sorry, Ted. It is kind of lame."

Ted sighs. "Well you're just Ms Skepticism, aren't you?" he teases.

"Kind of, yeah."

Barney cackles and Lily says, "I really need to tell my boyfriend about you. You're kinda sorta _amazing._"

"Well thank you." Robin says, and leans over the table as Lily brings out her phone. "So, who is this boyfriend of yours?"

Lily snaps the phone shut, her eyes lighting with excited fire. "Oh, he's great. He was Ted's roommate in college; they're best friends."

Barney whines. "Dammit, Lily. You can't just go around telling lies like that, you know. People might start to believe it."

Lily snorts as she jerks a thumb back at Barney. "Sorry, this guy has serious relationship issues. And... everything else issues."

"Not true."

"So true."

"_Not _true."

"We can do this all day. So true!" She gets out before turning back to Robin and hurrying on, "So, he's studying law and he's going to be a great lawyer someday. His name's Marshall. He's great."

Barney mumbles with a sour look, "I think you said that already."

Robin grins at Barney's unhappiness and she asks, "But what do you guys do?"

"I'm a kindergarten teacher." Lily says with a nod. She frowns. "It's not as great as it sounds."

She raises her eyebrows and tries not to smile, and she turns to Ted. "I'm going to be a very successful architect someday." He says.

("Lame, bro. Lame. You're basically _doodling._" Robin's pretty sure Lily kicks him in the shin for that particular comment.)

Robin finally turns to Barney, her lips stiffening into an uncomfortable smile. "And what do you do, dumbass?"

"Pfft. Please, newbie. You don't deserve to know." He says. "And the name's—"

"Jesus Christ, I don't _care._"

Lily swivels to face a now even more sour looking Barney. "Wait. What do you do, anyway?"

"Pfft. Please."

Ted nudges Robin, shrugging. "Don't worry, none of us actually know."

"That's okay, I didn't really care to begin with."

They all pause as another sheet of rain slams up against the windows. "Damn," Robin mutters.

Ted shoots a worried glance around the table. "You think it's a storm?"

Robin scoffs just as Lily's about to answer. "Puh-lease. This is like... this is like barbecuing weather. Jumping off the pier in a bikini weather. Please."

Barney makes _mm, mm _noises. "I'm just imagining you in a bikini. Maybe it comes off a little..."

Robin wails in despair, shaking her head and pouting. (Half of Barney is still in la-la-threeway land, but the other half of him is smiling at her pain.) "No! _God. _Why did I use that example?"

Lily laughs and punches Barney in the shoulder. (He only winces a little bit, but hey, she's strong.) She looks at Robin and raises an eyebrow in question. "Where are you from, anyway?"

Robin takes a sip from her drink. "Canada."

Barney spews his drink all over Ted's face. He staggers up from the booth and makes _nyah, nyah _noises.

Robin frowns and gestures at him stumbling away. "What's up with him?"

Lily smiles. "Oh, that's a premium example of a patriotic all-American douchebag right there."

Robin's face crumples with fleeting concern. "You guys aren't going to freak out on me too, right?"

Ted has a disgusted expression on as he wipes the remainder of Barney's drink and saliva off his face. When he's done, he looks at Robin and says, "Don't worry. It's only a problem for him," he pauses. "Might I venture some advice?" Robin nods, and he smirks, "Use it to torture him."

"Sounds like a plan." Robin says, grinning back.

Barney slams back down next to Lily. He puts his head in his hands and says, "How in the hell did I ever hit on a _Canadian? _It must be a head cold. I usually have radar for these sorts of things!"

"You really are a dumbass, dumbass."

"My name is not—!"

Ted nudges her and whispers, "Or, you know, you could just torture him with that."

She laughs. "Oh, don't you worry your pretty little head about it. Ever since I decided on giving you guys a second date, I've been compiling an entire _list _of ways to torture him."

Barney's face lights up. "Could I see that list?" he stops, his face screwing up, "Wait, no, Canadian, Canadian... I'd still like to see that list."

She just tilts her head, smiles at him, and doesn't say anything. Then she shakes her head and mutters at him, "You really are a piece of work." She stops as he opens his mouth, "And no, I don't mean that in a remotely sexual way. At all. Whatsoever."

He pouts; she grins.

Lily exchanges glances at both of them. She blinks, and shakes her head, smiling. "Oh my God, I just have to call Marshall. Right now." She proclaims, and pulls her phone out. "Hey, baby? Look, I know you're probably mega busy right now, but guess who just gave us a second date!" She squeals and holds the phone out to Robin.

"Wait, what? There was a first date? Who? Who is it?"

Robin shrugs off her look of surprise and leans into the phone. "Hey. Marshall, right? I think it's me she's talking about."

"Huh? Wait a second—wait a second—Lily, who is this? Take me off speaker."

Lily pulls a face and puts the phone back to her ear. "Baby, this is Robin. She's amazing. She's a reporter."

("A sort of reporter," Robin mumbles. No one takes any notice.)

A long pause while Marshall talks. Lily pulls an even worse face. "Well, you know..." she pulls at the cuffs of her jacket. "I may have stalked her. Just a little bit." Another pause. "Well, sure, it's not exactly the most _traditional _way to get to know someone, but she's here, isn't she? And... well, yes, _okay, _but I've just been a little... unoccupied... since you've been gone. Yeah, whatever. You're in environmental law, Marshall, not criminal. You could never charge me with that!"

Robin huffs, swallows slow sips, and clears her throat all in an effort not to start laughing.

"So, Robin, when did you—" Ted starts, but Robin immediately punches him in the shoulder, to which he responds with a small yelp of pain.

"Shut it, hungover Ted Mosby," she hisses. "I so want to hear this."

Ted rolls his eyes and rubs at the sore spot on his arm. "Oh, and hey, Marshall?" he calls. "She's an eavesdropper too!"

Robin glares at him, and Barney laughs. Then she glares at Barney, who promptly stops laughing.

"Look, baby, I know you've been having a hard time over there—" she pauses, her eyebrows drawing down in confusion. "What do you mean? We _so _include you in stuff! What? Well, I didn't meet her just to _spite _you... and look, I'm trying to include you by calling you, aren't I? Wait... what? Tuxedo night? They invite you to tuxedo night! Wait a second..." she presses her palm against the phone and glares at Ted and Barney. "You little bitches! Why don't you invite my boyfriend to tuxedo night?! Damn you to hell!"

Now all efforts come to nothing, Robin nearly starts choking.

"Okay, well, now she's laughing at our expense. That's great. Just great. Goddammit Marshall, stop being so humorous!" Lily stops, and sighs. "Yes, I do know that's your default setting... yeah, yeah, mm-hm. I know all that. Wait, what?! Oh my God—a tree just crashed into the bar—oh God—oh God—gotta call you back later bye!"

She slams the phone down and then looks around at the rest of them. "What? Dr Phil said lying to your partner every so often is what makes a healthy relationship."

Ted raises an eyebrow. "Actually, I think he said the opposite—"

"Don't make me remind everyone you watch Dr Phil, Ted!"

"I... okay..." he mutters. "Robin, I'm scared."

"Poor baby," she murmurs, a smile tipping her lips upward, "I'll protect you, don't worry."

"Thanks for the offer."

She laughs and presses her shoulder into his for a moment, then leans away. She clears her throat. "What the hell is he doing?"

Eyes move over to Barney, who's glaring at a piece of paper in his hands and scribbling away furiously.

Lily peers over. And proceeds to punch him in the side. ("Okay, that hurt." He mutters at her.) "Hey, stupid. You're not allowed to do that. We're trying _not _to sleaze out poor Robin here, remember? I said stop. Stop writing." She cuts off, grabs the piece of paper, screws it up and throws it into the crowd.

"Lily, no!" Barney screeches, "That's premium high grade literature on there!"

He fidgets out of his seat, ("Lil, get up,") but Lily just fixes him with a glare. "Remember what happens if you break the deal," she warns, but he's still trying to get up, "Thanksgiving, 2002!"

He immediately stops.

Sits back down. "... okay," he mumbles. He scowls and looks over at Ted. "Hey, Ted, remind me never to lose a bet to an Aldrin again, okay?"

(Lily blows him a kiss; he catches it and squashes it like a bug. She grins.)

Ted nods. "Noted."

Robin arches a brow. "Okay," she says with a laugh, "Raising more questions than you're answering."

Lily laughs, a chirpy sound. "The deal in question is he's not allowed to sleaze you into leaving."

Robin stares and bites down on her lip looking like she's trying hard not to laugh again. "Did I hear that right?"

Ted grins and spreads his hands. "Yeah, when it comes to him... sleaze is kind of a verb."

Robin stares ahead for a second, face void of emotion. All eyes turn to her; an anxious note comes into the air, everyone waiting to see how she'll react.

"That is _awesome._"

Barney laughs. "See? I knew you'd find something you like about me."

She laughs. "Mm, yeah, no. You're still totally lame and the biggest dumbass I've ever met, but repossessing nouns is kind of awesome."

Ted gapes and clutches at his chest. "Oh my God, did she just devote a complete sentence to the artistry of grammar?" he says. "You are a keeper. You are definitely a keeper, Robin Scherbatsky."

"Oh, I'm so flattered."

Ted squints at her. "Are you being sarcastic?"

Robin pulls a face. "You know what, I have absolutely no idea."

Barney snorts at them, and this time, Robin doesn't glare. (She rolls her eyes, and Ted glares.)

"So, Robin," Barney says, sipping at his scotch. She eyes him carefully. "When did you move here?"

Lily looks over at him in surprise. "You're actually interested in that? Did move become some euphemism for bang or something without me being informed?"

Barney clucks his tongue. "You have such a narrow opinion of me, Lily Aldrin. I mean, I'm flattered, but still." He pauses. "And you'd be the last one to know about a new euphemism."

("Yeah, right. I _create _the new euphemisms, bitch." She says. He smiles, a little.)

Robin stares Barney up and down, eyes sizing him up, looking at him like it's a challenge. "Nineteen. Why?"

He just meets her with an even gaze. "That's young."

"You're right."

"It's great."

"You could think that."

"And what if I do?"

She breaks off, laughing. "You really are a piece of work, aren't you?" She says, and then quickly waves a finger in the air, "Rhetorical."

And so he only grins at her from behind his glass.

Ted clears his throat. "I'm wondering, Robin, what does a woman like you do in her spare time?"

She doesn't even blink. "Shooting range."

Ted coughs. "Like, uh... like paintball, right?"

She arches a brow, looking at him with a slightly amused look on her face. "No, like real shooting. Like bullets and legitimate guns that could make a fully grown man wet himself. Actually, that did happen once." She stops, shakes her head, and laughs, "_Paintball. _Like I'd ever do paintball."

Ted shoots a glance at Lily. "Is that disturbing?"

She stares. "I don't know."

Robin just scoffs under her breath, "Babies."

Barney grins at her, wide-eyed.

("Okay," Robin says. "_That's _definitely disturbing.")

He still stares on at her. "You are the most capable and attractive woman I have ever wanted to have sex with."

She bites down on her lip to avoid smiling. "I'll... I guess I'll take that as a compliment." She says, "A very creepy compliment, but a compliment."

He lifts his eyebrows. "Well, that's how it's intended." He leans over to Lily and whispers, "How can she think most attractive woman I've ever wanted to bang _isn't_ a compliment?"

Lily humours him, for about a second. "I don't know, sweetie. I don't know. Maybe she's met real people before?"

He just scoffs. "I'm way better than 'real' people, Lily. I would have thought you know that by now."

She blows out her cheeks, turns her glass over. "I guess so."

"You guess?"

"Okay, I know so. Shut up."

Barney smiles. "Victory."

Lily flicks him in the shoulder and turns back to Robin. "So, do you have a boyfriend?"

"Oh my God," Barney shouts out, slamming his palm against the table. "That explains it, then. Having a boyfriend is the only logical explanation for you not wanting a taste of—" he gestures to himself with a cocked eyebrow, smirking, "—_this._"

Robin shakes her head and takes a swig from her drink. "Nope. Not the reason." She says, "And no, no boyfriend. Life's too busy for stuff like that."

Lily stares at her. "Really?"

Robin nods. "Really."

Barney, not having followed the conversation this far, scowls. "Then what _is_ the reason?"

Robin smiles. "You're a complete and total dumbass with what I can only assume is a behaviour disorder who has the glorified delusion that he's God's gift to women."

He pouts. He looks over at Lily, who's trying not to smile. "I'm not sure I like her."

Lily clears her throat to cover a giggle. "You poor thing."

Barney smirks, happy with himself, until Ted leans over and whispers at him, "You know, I'm pretty sure _she _was being sarcastic."

He gasps. "I always thought you were too good for sarcasm, Lily."

She deadpans. "Turns out you were wrong."

"You were more fun when Marshall was here."

"You're about to make some stupid comment about funbags, aren't you?"

He pouts. "Maybe." He takes a swig from his glass, his jaw setting. "You were way more fun when you were getting some."

Lily sighs. "Yeah, I know."

Robin spreads her hands and clears her throat, "Well, this has been... enlightening... but I should probably go."

Lily turns on Barney and karate-chops him in the shoulder about three times. "I told you not to sleaze her into leaving!"

Robin laughs as Barney whines in pain. "No, it wasn't him. I just need to leave. I'm reading up on current stories for work, trying to get them to give me something a little more substantial to run with."

Barney pulls a face. "Studying. Oh, _fun._"

Robin arches a brow. "That's far from what I do for fun, dumbass." She shrugs on her jacket and gives him a look. "Trust me, if I was having _real_ fun, you wouldn't be able to handle it."

He gapes.

She grins, showing off white teeth. She flutters a wave at them. "Bye." She gives Ted a pointed look. "You have my number. Call me again sometime. This was..." she breaks off for a second, searching for the right word. She laughs again, "... this was an experience."

Lily fidgets in excitement. "We're here all the time, you know," she offers. "Like, every single night."

"Oh really?" she says, her grin fading into a softer smile, "I'll make sure to come back around, then."

"You do that!" Lily hollers after her as she turns and exits.

"Way to seem casual and not desperate, Lily, not at all." Ted says with a laugh.

"Shut up."

Ted gets up to buy them all some more drinks—("Nuh-uh, Ted. You lost the bet. You know the deal." She says, smirking as he pouts and slides out of his seat. "Never lose a bet to an Aldrin, remember?")—and Lily turns back to Barney, poking a finger at him.

"So," he says, and Lily's gaze snaps up to his, "What do you think?"

Barney blinks. "What do I think of what?"

"Of Robin."

Barney grins. "Oh, I have _many_ thoughts about Robin."

Lily glares. "You really are a dumbass."

"Should I launch into detail—?"

"No!" She shrieks, smacking his arm, "No. God no."

Barney shrugs. "Your loss."

"But seriously," Lily starts again, "Thoughts?" she stops. "_Non_-pornographic thoughts, thank you."

"I don't know, Lilypad," Barney says, winking at her, "Marshall's been gone an awful long time..."

"Oh my God, can you not be disgusting for one second?" she says, and shakes her head, "And to think I had faith in you."

He pouts at her.

"I only want your input, Barney," she says. Her face falls. "Jesus Christ, did I just say _input? _Oh my God!"

"You really can't stop, can you?"

She hangs her head. "Doesn't seem like it."

He pats her shoulder, smiling. "Don't worry, Lil. This is just your sexual frustration desperate to get out. It's the usual reaction to not getting any lovin' for so long."

"I think I've been spending too much time with you, because that actually makes sense."

She then laughs, her head perking back up. "Seriously, though. _Thoughts._"

He laughs. "Thoughts?" he says. He starts to grin, a slow grin, a Barney grin. "Barney Stinson always gets the yes."

* * *

><p>I'm currently resenting my computer for throwing ads of <em>Gracepoint<em> at me. I'm sorry (yeah not really) but David Tennant with an American accent is unnatural. It's disturbing as hell.


	3. speeding, 'cause it feels good

Mm, it's a tad rushed, and a couple hundred words short. (That will probably be fixed, though.) But it's Monday, so to all those people who have to go to work and the like, I hope this makes your day better. I spent all yesterday in hospital so I couldn't work on it as much as I wanted, but here you go, and enjoy.

* * *

><p>Only three weeks into knowing her and already Robin has become a fast fixture in their lives.<p>

Lily smiles at her as she slides in next to Ted with a drink already in hand, taking swigs too long to properly correlate with the thought that she doesn't want to be drunk by the time she gets out of here.

"Oh no," Lily says, and pulls down on Barney's sleeve, pointing over at Robin. "You see that face? That is not a happy face."

Barney shrugs. "I don't think she has a happy face," he says, and adds matter-of-factly, "More of a permanent scowl."

Ted shakes his head and clucks his tongue. "That's where you're wrong," he says, and smiles slowly, "She's always pretty upbeat whenever she's insulting you."

("We're always pretty upbeat about that too." Lily chirps.)

Barney doesn't say anything else, just takes another bitter sip of his scotch.

"So, Robin," Lily says and leans over, tapping her on the arm, "What's wrong with your face?"

Robin's head snaps up, her eyes scatter to random places and she clears her throat. "What?"

"Why so..." Lily drawls, and flaps her hands around, grimacing, "... _scrunchy?_"

"I am not—" Robin defends, then sighs, "—okay, yeah." She turns her beer over in her hands, fingers twitching, "It's not much. Just... at, uh, work today—work sucks." She cuts off, her face steeling over. "Yeah. Work sucks."

Lily frowns. "So those extra news reports didn't do anything, huh?"

She sips at her beer. "Not a single damn thing."

"That's too bad, sweetheart," Lily murmurs, reaching over and patting her arm.

Robin arches a brow, staring at her.

("Coming on a little strong there, Lil," Ted says, nudging Lily underneath the table.)

Robin sighs, and shrugs. "I'm a joke. No one takes me seriously," she says. "I don't think anyone even watches the show. No one cares."

Ted frowns at her. "Correction—" he says, and gestures to the rest of the table, "—_we _care."

"Yeah, yeah, that's great, Ted," she says, distracted. "Doesn't get the bills paid."

"Say, Robin..." Barney drawls, eyes slowly sparking with fire, "How'd you like to get a little more green in those pockets of yours?"

Ted and Lily both shoot her warning looks, but Robin levels him with a stare, "And how exactly would I do that, dumbass?"

He leans across the table, gaze enveloping her frame. "We could strike a deal."

Robin leans forward as well, staring him down. "And what, pray tell, is this miraculous deal of yours?"

He grins, a finger beckoning her forward. "Step into my web, Robin Scherbatsky."

"Whoa, uh, hold up," Lily says, reaching over and placing a hand on her arm, "You don't want to step into his web, Robin. Believe me. It'll only earn you trouble."

"Oh, I think I can handle it, Lily," she fires back. She turns and looks at Barney, appraising him. "Tell me more about this deal."

His grin spreads like wildfire and he hops out of his seat and slides in beside her. He looks around at Ted and Lily, narrowing his eyes, before leaning into her ear.

Her eyes widen and she pushes him away. "There is no way I'm doing that. Not ever, let alone on live television!"

"Come now, Robin," he says in a smooth voice, "You just said so yourself, no one watches." He gradually starts to lean in closer, "No one cares, not even your superiors. How about we give them something to think about?"

She blinks. "You're a freakshow."

"An incredibly handsome freakshow," he says, and brushes a finger over her shoulder, "Now how about it?"

Robin mutters something fast underneath her breath and moves to shove Ted out of the booth. "I need to get out of here," she says, grabbing her purse off the table and edging out.

Barney leans back, smirking, and takes a slow sip from his scotch. "Baby's gonna think about it."

* * *

><p>"Lily, we're home," Ted says, nudging the door open with the toe of his shoe, "And we brought takeout."<p>

Lily scrambles up from the couch to go over and meet them, ready to steal the boxes from them, but she stops and points a finger at Ted. "This isn't from the same place that made Barney throw up last time, is it?"

Ted grins. "No."

"Good then."

"Lily, why would you bring that up again?" Barney whines, shoving a box into her arms, "You just love causing me pain, don't you?"

"That's one part, the other part is that it was pretty goddamn funny."

"You suck, you really do," he huffs, piling the rest of the boxes into Ted's arms. (He yelps a little "Hey," of indignation now that he's the only one carrying anything anymore.) "You suck, Lily."

"Oh, sweetheart," she says, and pats his shoulder, "Don't worry, I know you were just overflowing with awesome and that was the only way to get it out."

He whirls around and whacks Ted in the shoulder, grinning, while Ted very nearly drops all the boxes. "See? I've educated her!" he says, "I swear you're the only one who listens to me around here, Lily."

"Only sometimes."

"Better than what Teddy Boy here does," Barney says, whacking him again. ("Oh my God, could you _stop_ doing that?!" He shrieks.) "He never listens."

"And look here, I'm about to throw Chinese food all over you!"

Barney's nose scrunches. "Geez, testy much."

"And all over that nice expensive suit!"

"Oh my God, you wouldn't dare." He takes a few quick shuffles away from him, "You monster."

"Then help me get these boxes into the kitchen or so help me—"

Barney lets out a small shriek and covers his ears. "La la de blah blah I can't heeear you," he sings, while Ted just nudges him with the heel of his foot. Barney pouts, "Okay, okay, I'll help you. God."

"Thank you, Barney," he says, smirking, and heaves all of the boxes on top of him.

"Hey! I didn't say I'd carry all of them!"

Ted shakes his head. "Oh, look at this bottle of soy sauce—and I do say it seems very loose, very spillable..."

Barney's face turns sour. "Okay, okay," he says, ducking away into the kitchen, "Jesus."

Ted groans and rubs at his arms. "Okay, ow."

"Poor baby. Did your non-existent muscles get a bit of a beating?"

He flops down onto the couch, and scowls at her. "Barney's right. You were way more fun when you were getting some."

She sighs. "I know."

Ted smiles softly and pats the spot next to him. "Come here."

She obliges, putting her feet up on the table. He wraps an arm around her and kisses her temple. "You know," he says, "It's okay to bring out the marshpillow if you want."

She stares at him with wide eyes. "Wait, you know about the marshpillow?"

He frowns, then laughs, "Of course I do. I've lived with you for the past five years."

"Does Marshall know about the marshpillow?"

"No, of course not. I'm not a little bitch."

"Arguable—" she says, waving a finger around, and he scowls, "—but he's coming back in like two weeks, right? I can hold out that long."

"Hey, it is _not_ arguable. Thanks a lot for the support, Lily," he says, "And I guess it's for the best that the marshpillow stays in the closet," he says, then glances over at the kitchen where Barney is wrestling with the takeout boxes, letting out sporadic little yelps, "It freaks Barney out."

Lily lets out a small laugh, "Yeah, probably," and then glances at her watch. She pushes away from Ted, "Oh, crap, she's on. She's on! Barney, get your ass in here!"

Barney hurries into the room. "What? What? Where's the fire? Just for the record I am _not_ using my suit to put the fire out like last time, goddammit, Ted, you know that's just not cool, stealing the jacket off a bro's back—"

"Yes, yes, I learned my lesson." Ted mutters. "But the funeral was a bit much, wasn't it?"

"Hey, hey," Barney says, pointing a stern finger at him, his voice cracking, "You do _not_ speak ill of the dead."

"For Christ's sake, sit down, both of you!" Lily says. "Robin's on. Now shut up and listen."

"Oh, I'll listen alright," Barney says, sitting down. He licks his lips, "Need to see if baby thought about it."

"Do you always have to be so gross about everything?" Lily says, groaning.

Ted nudges her with an elbow. "I think that you'll find the answer to that is yes."

Lily hides a grin and flicks the TV on.

"There she is!" she squeals as Robin's illuminated face comes on screen, "Look, Ted, there she is!"

"I have eyes, Lily."

"Yes you do, and you won't have them if you keep up that attitude much longer, mister."

Ted throws a big-eyed stare over in Barney's direction. "She was way more fun when she was getting some."

Barney nods. "I know, right?"

"Both of you shut up, Robin's talking." Lily says, throwing them glares.

("Way more fun," Ted mutters.)

Robin's voice breaks in, "... an occasion that was supposed to be joyous suddenly turned tragic when Ethel and Sadie Margolis, New York's oldest twins, suddenly passed away on this, the eve of their hundredth birthday..."

Barney wails, his face falling. "Damn. I thought she was cool." He says. "Why couldn't she just be cool?"

On screen, Robin visibly cringes. "... I'm a dirty, _dirty_ girl—oh God—" she bites down on her lip, and slaps her own ass, "—ouch. Reporting live, Robin Scherbatsky, Metro News One."

Barney jumps up, eyes alight. "Baby thought about it!"

Ted and Lily stare on as he continues to run the floor of the apartment, cheering.

* * *

><p>"Oh my God," Robin says as she rushes in the door, "I can't believe I <em>did<em> that. I actually did that."

Barney grins at her from where he stands, underneath the arch of the kitchen.

(Lily and Ted had the good sense to tackle him down to the ground in the middle of his happy streak and make him swear to shut up before he started singing.)

He licks his lips, teeth flashing. "Why yes, you most certainly did."

She hides in her hands. "I just disgraced myself on live television. I can't handle you right now, dumbass."

"Oh, but you can, and you will," he says, leaning down next to her, slapping the money into her hands, "Now here's what baby's gonna do..."

"No, no," she says, shoving him away. "I'm not doing anything else. I'm probably already fired."

Her phone trills next to her, and she picks it up, her eyes widening, "Oh God, it's my boss. This is it. I'm getting fired. I'm getting fired. I'm getting fired over the goddamn phone!"

She takes a deep breath, and presses it to her ear. "Yes, this is Robin Scherbatsky speaking."

The air tenses.

"Oh, hey, Mr Adams," she says, biting down hard on her lip and casting a shaky look around at the rest of them.

A pause. "Wait, what? You're not... you're... what? What about the Margolis twins? Uh... okay. Yeah, sure, you do that. Goodbye."

She stares into her phone.

Lily leans forward, her eyebrows drawing together in concern. "What did he say, sweetie?"

Her hands fall limp in her lap. "He..." she says, "He just wanted to talk about his dogs."

Ted frowns. "I'm sorry, what? His dogs?" he says, "But—but what about the newscast?"

She swallows. "I don't think he even saw it."

Lily leans back, eyes down. "Oh..." she murmurs, "I'm sorry, Robin."

"No, it's okay," she says, jaw setting, eyes flashing over with steel, "It's fine."

Barney sighs, and shakes his head. "C'mon," he says, nudging her in the shoulder, "You're _my_ superstar. Now for your next challenge..."

She cuts him off. "No. I'm not doing anything else. No more challenges. I mean it," she says, and tucks the bills into her pocket, "I was only doing this for the money."

He stares her down. "Don't you try and spin that line on me, Robin Scherbatsky," he says, inching closer, "Sure, the money's great, but what baby _really_ likes is the thrill of pulling one over on those old idiots down at the station who don't appreciate you," he leans in even closer, breath gracing her ear, "And still haven't promoted you. Now for two-hundred nice crisp George Washington's, baby's gonna look into the camera and say..."

He whispers something in her ear and she pulls back, and looks at him. His eyes are shining. "No. There's no way," she says, softly. He cocks an eyebrow, and she stares at him. She sighs, "Listen, guys, I really need to go. Got dogs to walk. Got other miscellaneous stuff to do, you know how it is..."

Lily looks over at her as she goes for the door. "You've got dogs?"

"Oh yeah, five of them." She says, a smile starting to show an appearance—a smile which is quickly glossed over by a scowl as she goes on, "They're much better company than assholes who screw you over because apparently they're gay," she says, and all three of them blink at her, and she shrugs. "Whatever."

She twists the knobs and is halfway out the door when Barney calls after her, "Baby's gonna think about it?"

She turns back, her face twisted into a tortured expression. She shakes her head, and sighs. "Baby's gonna think about it."

* * *

><p>Robin walks into the bar, sighing, and as soon as Barney sees her he grins.<p>

She scowls at him. "Wipe that stupid smirk off your face, dumbass."

"Why?" he says, arching a brow, "I'm happy, why is it looked down upon to express that said happiness? Isn't it expressions of happiness that make us all human?" he says, then stops, and laughs, "Say, Robin, why don't you go on and tell us all why I might be so happy?"

She blows out her cheeks, and shakes her head. She casts a look around the booth, frowning. "So, I just wrapped up a newscast by honking my own boobs."

"Don't look so grim, Robin," Barney says, voice lightening, "On the bright side, you can't say good TV wasn't had by all."

"Okay, that's it, I'm gonna punch him—" she lunges for him and he shrieks, but Ted quickly jumps up and wraps an arm around her to stop her from very possibly wrecking Barney's face forever.

She squirms, "No, Ted, let me go—I'm cool, I'm cool." She pauses, and glares, "I am _cool._"

Ted stares at her. "Really? You think I'm falling for that? So you're saying if I let you go this very second, you wouldn't try to..."

He gradually starts to loosen his grip around her, and she lets out another war cry and goes after Barney again.

Lily stands up to add another restraint on Robin, but she quickly brushes them off. "I'm cool, I'm cool." She says, then stares Barney down. "I'm watching you."

"Mm, no, that's what I'm doing to you, Robin," he says. "And now for your next challenge..."

Robin throws her hands up. "Nope, nuh-uh, sorry bud. No more challenges. Ever." She says, and glares at him. "And I am _not_ your baby."

"Oh, I think you'll find that you are."

"I am so going to kill him—!"

She quickly shakes her head and glances around at Lily and Ted. "—but, uh... not tonight."

"Now that's more like it," Lily says with a stern expression, which fades away into a grin as she sits down again and says, "Come on, sit down, relax, have a beer, will you?"

Robin makes a face. "No, sorry. I should probably go."

"Oh really?" Ted says as he too sits down again. He pops a few peanuts into his mouth, "Where are you going?"

She leans over the table, face darkening. "To plan out my five year vengeance in which there will be much blood, much tears, and through every single dark corner, I will be following _him_ around, plotting for my time to strike," she casts a look at Barney, such a look, that it makes him shrink back. "Oh no, you'll never see it coming. And that's the mercy of it all. Because when I am _through_ with you, when I've had my fun, you will be glad you never saw it coming. Oh, and mark my words, dumbass: you will _never_ see it coming."

She leans back, and smiles, "But I'm kidding, of course I'm kidding. Just, uh, what I meant to say was—yeah, finishing up some extra reports, all that, yeah, so funny... busy worker bee, that's me..."

She rapidly starts to walk out of the bar, but swings back, when Barney and only Barney is looking at her.

She mouths _I'm watching you._

He blows her a kiss.


End file.
